Single Man Approaches A Single WOman By GOing Through The WOman's
Father, And Then COnducts His RelatiOnship With The WOman Under The
AuthOrity Of Her Father, Family, Or Church, Whichever Is Most
Appropriate. Courtship Always Has Marriage As Its Direct GOal.
WHAT THEN IS DATING? Dating, A MOre MOdern Approach, Begins When
Either The Man Or The WOman Initiates A MOre-Than-Friends RelatiOnship
With The Other, And Then They COnduct That RelatiOnship Outside Of Any
Oversight Or AuthOrity. Dating May Or May NOt Have Marriage As Its
GOal.
THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN COURTSHIP AND DATING••••
What Are The Differences In These Two Systems? FOr Our PurpOses, There
Are Three BrOad Differences Between What Has Been Called Biblical
COurtship And MOdern Dating.
1• The Difference In MOTIVE:
The First Difference Lies With The Man's MOtive In Pursuing The
RelatiOnship. Biblical COurtship Has One MOtive- To Find A SpOuse. A
Man Will COurt A Particular WOman Because He Believes It Is POssible
That He COuld Marry Her, And The COurtship Is The PrOcess Of
Discerning Whether That Belief Is COrrect. To The Extent That The
Bible Addresses Premarital RelatiOnships At All, It Uses The Language
Of Men Marrying And WOmen Being Given In Marriage (See Matt. 24:38;
Luke 20:34-35).
Numbers 30:3-16 Talks AbOut A Transfer Of AuthOrity FrOm The Father To
The Husband When A WOman Leaves Her Father's HOuse And Is United To
Her Husband. The SOng Of Solomon ShOwcases The Meeting, COurtship, And
Marriage Of A COuple- Always With Marriage In View. I Am NOt
AdvOcating Arranged Marriages; Rather, I Am POinting TOward The
Biblical PurpOse FOr Why YOung Men And WOmen AssOciate With One
AnOther. These Passages Do NOt Argue That Marriage ShOuld Be The
Direct GOal Of Such RelatiOnships So Much As They Assume It.
MOdern Dating, On The Other Hand, Need NOt Have Marriage As A GOal At
All. Dating Can Be RecreatiOnal. NOt Only Is "Dating FOr Fun"
Acceptable, It Is Assumed That "Practice" And Learning By "Trial And
ErrOr" Are Necessary, Even Advisable, BefOre Finding The PersOn That
Is Just Right FOr YOu. The Fact That Individuals Will Be EmOtiOnally
And Probably Physically Intimate With Many PeOple BefOre Settling DOwn
With The "Right PersOn" Is Just Part Of The Deal. Yet Where Is The
Biblical SuppOrt FOr Such An Approach To Marriage? There Is NOne. HOw
Many Examples Of "RecreatiOnal Dating" Do We See AmOng GOd's PeOple In
The Bible? ZERO. The CategOry Of Premarital Intimacy DOes NOt Exist,
Other Than In The COntext Of Grievous Sexual Sin.
The Motive FOr Dating Or COurting Is Marriage. The Practical Advice I
Give The Singles At Churches And Seminars Is, If YOu CannOt Happily
See YOurself As A Married Man (Or WOman) In Less Than One Year, Then
YOu Are NOt Ready To Date.
2• THE DIFFERENCE IN MIND-SET:••••
The SecOnd MajOr Difference Between Biblical COurtship And MOdern
Dating Is The Mind-Set COuples Have When Interacting With One AnOther.
What Do I Mean By? MOdern Dating Is Essentially A Selfish EndeavOr. I
Do NOt Mean MaliciOusly Selfish, As In "I'M GOing To Try To Hurt YOu
FOr My Benefit." I Mean An ObliviOus Self-Centeredness That Treats The
WhOle PrOcess As Ultimately AbOut Me. After All, What Is The Main
QuestiOn EveryOne Asks AbOut Dating, Falling In LOve, And Getting
Married? "HOw Do I KnOw If I've FOund The One?" What Is The UnspOken
Ending To That QuestiOn? "FOr Me." Will This PersOn Make Me Happy?
Will This RelatiOnship Meet My Needs? HOw DOes She Look? What Is The
Chemistry Like? Have I DOne As Well As I Can Do?
I CannOt Tell YOu HOw Many Men I Have COunseled WhO Are Terrified To
COmmit, WOrrying That As Soon As They Do, "SOmething Better Will COme
Walking ArOund The COrner."
Selfishness Is NOt What Drives A Biblical Marriage, And TherefOre
ShOuld NOt Be What Drives A Biblical COurtship. Biblical COurtship
Recognizes The General Call To "Do NOthing Out Of Selfish AmbitiOn Or
Vain COnceit, But In Humility COnsider Others Better Than YOurselves"
(Phil. 2:3, NIV). It AlsO RecOgnizes The Specific Call That Ephesians
5:25 Gives Men In Marriage, Where Our Main ROle Is Sacrificial
Service. We Are To LOve Our Wives As Christ LOved The Church, Giving
Himself Up FOr Her. That Means LOving Sacrificially Every Day.
Biblical COurtship Means That A Man DOes NOt Look FOr A Laundry List
Of Characteristics That COmprise His Fantasy WOman So That His Every
Desire Can Be Fulfilled, But He Looks FOr A gOdly WOman As Scripture
Defines Her - A WOman He Can Can LOve And, Yes, Be Attracted To, But A
WOman WhOm He Can SERVE And LOve As A gOdly Husband.
In Other WOrds, MOdern Dating Asks, "HOw Can I Find The One FOr Me?"
While Biblical COurtship Asks, "HOw Can I Be The One FOr Her?"
3• THE DIFFERENCE IN METHODS:••••
Third, And MOst Practically, MOdern Dating And Biblical COurtship Are
Different In Their MethOds. And This Is Where The Rubber Really Meets
The Road. In MOdern Dating, Intimacy Precedes COmmitment. In Biblical
COurtship, COmmitment Precedes Intimacy.
AccOrding To The Current School Of ThOught, The Best Way To Figure Out
Whether YOu Want To Marry A Particular PersOn Is To Act As If YOu're
Married And See If YOu Like It. Spend Large AmOunts Of Time AlOne
TOgether. BecOme Each Other's Primary EmOtiOnal COnfidantes. Share
YOur Deepest Secrets And Desires. Get To KnOw That PerSOn Better Than
AnyOne Else In YOur Life. GrOw YOur Physical Intimacy And Intensity On
The Same Track As YOur EmOtiOnal Intimacy. wHAT YOu DO And Say
TOgether Is Private And Is No One Else's Business, And Since The
RelatiOnship Is Private, YOu Need NOt Submit To AnyOne Else's
AuthOrity Or Be AccOuntable. And If This Pseudo-Marriage WOrks FOr
BOth Of YOu, Then Get Married. But If One Or BOth Of YOu Do NOt Like
HOw It Is GOing, Go Ahead And Break Up Even If It Means GOing ThrOugh
SOmething Like An EmOtiOnal And PrObably Physical DivOrce.
Such Is The PrOcess Of Finding "THE ONE" And This Can Happen With
Several Different PeOple BefOre One Finally Marries. In The
Self-Centered WOrld Of Secular Dating, We Want As Much InfOrmatiOn As
POssible To Ensure That The Right DecisiOn Is Being Made. And If We
Can EnjOy A Little Physical Or EmOtiOnal COmfOrt AlOng The Way, GREAT.
Clearly, This Is NOt The Biblical Picture. The PrOcess Just Described
Is Hurtful To The WOman That The Man PurpOrts To Care AbOut, NOt To
MentiOn To Himself.
And It Clearly ViOlates The COmmand Of 1 Thessalonians 4:6 NOt To
WrOng Or Defraud Our Sister In Christ By Implying A Marriage-Level
COmmitment Where One DOes NOt Exist. It Will Have A Damaging Effect On
The Man's Marriage And Hers, Whether They Marry Each Other Or NOt.
In Biblical RelatiOnship, COmmitment Precedes Intimacy. Within This
MOdel, The Man ShOuld FOllOw The AdmOnitiOn In 1 TimOthy 5:1-2 To
Treat All YOung WOmen To WhOm He Is NOt Married As Sisters, With
AbsOlute Purity. The Man ShOuld ShOw Leadership And Willingness To
Bear The Risk Of RejectiOn By Defining The Nature And The Pace Of The
RelatiOnship. He ShOuld Do This BefOre Spending Significant Time AlOne
With Her In Order To AvOid Hurting Or COnfusing Her.
He ShOuld Also Seek To Ensure That Significant AmOunt Of Time Is Spent
With Other COuples Or Friends Rather Than AlOne. The TOpics, Manner,
And Frequency Of COnversatiOns ShOuld Be Characterized By The Desire
To BecOme Acquainted With Each Other MOre Deeply, But NOt In A Way
That Defrauds Each Other. There ShOuld Be No Physical Intimacy Outside
The COntext Of Marriage, And The COuple ShOuld Seek AccOuntability FOr
The Spiritual Health And PrOgress Of The RelatiOnship, As Well As FOr
Their Physical And EmOtiOnal Intimacy.
Within This MOdel, BOth Parties ShOuld Seek To Find Out, BefOre GOd,
Whether They ShOuld Be Married, And Whether They Can Service And HOnOr
GOd Better TOgether Than Apart. The Man ShOuld Take Care NOt To Treat
Any WOman Like His Wife WhO Is NOt His Wife. Of COurse He Must Get To
KnOw His COurting Partner Well EnOugh To Make A DecisiOn On Marriage.
HOwever, PriOr To The DecisiOn To Marry, He ShOuld Always Engage With
Her EmOtiOnally In A Way He WOuld Be Happy FOr Other Men To Engage
With Her.
In All These Ways, A Biblical RelatiOnship Looks Different FrOm A
WOrldly RelatiOnship. If This Is DOne Well, Christian WOmen Will Be
HOnOred, Even As They Are Pursued. Christian Wives Will Be HOnOred.
And GOD Will Be GLORIFIED.
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