7 MISTAKES WE MAKE IN RELATIONSHIPS!!!

How to avoid these most destructive of relationship
derailers Love, friendship, intimacy, passion, mutual support… all
these relationship benefits make for a happier life. Ah, that special
someone you can laugh with, who shares your hopes, dreams, and
concerns - and you don't have to book an appointment and pay $80 an
hour. Hold on a moment - we can be in danger of idealizing
relationships. And of course, people can be happy without an intimate
partner. But however you cut it, relationships do matter. Research on
pain perception even found that we experience less pain when looking
at a picture of a loved one (1). Healthy relationships make for good
health and should help you feel secure, strong, loved, and loving - at
least some of the time. No wonder many people want a relationship. But
for some people,
it's harder for new relationships to 'take', to grow and thrive. What
are the seven most destructive relationship mistakes? And how can we
avoid them?

Mistake 1: Being too desperate to 'hook up':

This is a classic and universal relationship mistake: Time is 'running
out', biological clocks are noisily ticking like estrogen- filled time
bombs threatening to explode, and panic sets in. Suddenly, anyone with
a pulse and clean(ish) fingernails starts to seem like a 'good bet'.
'Wanting a relationship' is not the same as wanting to be in a
relationship with a particular person. If you get too hung up on
wanting 'a relationship' as a
general idea, you may fall into the trap of: Flinging yourself at the
first vaguely available (or non- available) creature to enter the
room. Putting potential partners off if they sense you're as desperate
as Gollum was for the One Ring. What to do: Remember the words of the
song 'You Can't Hurry Love' and don't. Octogenarians can still hook
up, so slow down. Starting a relationship with someone 'just because'
is like setting out on a voyage without checking for rot, poor engine
performance, sea worthiness, and your legal rights. And in the long
run, if you have one eye on the stopwatch, starting up with the wrong
person wastes more time. Which reminds me…

Mistake 2: Repeatedly going for Mr/Ms Wrong:

If you're in the market for relationship mistakes, this one can be
neatly combined with the first mistake. If I repeatedly scrape my face
on tarmac and then wonder why it hurts, I may need to take stock a
little. But hold on; anyone can mistakenly get together with a
'psycho'. Early on, they may be all charm and attentiveness (and you
may be conveniently averting your eyes from early telltale signs -
such as 24-hour surveillance on your house). So you can't always blame
yourself for getting mixed up with the psycho, but feel free to blame
yourself for: Staying with a psycho once the signs become obvious.
Deliberately going for someone with 'dysfunctional features' that
match characteristics of someone with whom you had a past destructive
relationship and
then later wondering where it all went wrong (see my face scraping
example above). Of the two points just covered, the first one is more
forgivable (since I'm in a refreshingly judgemental mood), because it
can feel harder to break free once you're in. But the second one? What
to do: If you're chronically pursuing mates (to use the National
Geographic term) obviously flawed to the extent that relationships
will be painful and doomed, then at least admit this to yourself and
don't be surprised that 'relationships always go wrong'. Knowing your
patterns is the first step to changing them.

Mistake 3: Game playing:

There is a great line from a Seinfeld episode, and I'll try not to
misquote here, in which one of the characters says to Seinfeld, "You
shouldn't play games in relationships!" to which he replies, "What's
the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning
or losing?" If we view too much of life through a competitive lens, we
come to treat everything like a tussle, a chance to score points and
get ahead. Trying to make someone want you more by acting
'standoffish', ignoring them, or trying to make them jealous is,
ofcourse, all about manipulation. If a relationship starts off on a
basis of game playing, don't expect any winners long-term. What to do:
If you want a good quality relationship, be honest and upfront so you
can both 'win' together. And refuse to be drawn into their games if
that's what they do.

Mistake 4: Wanting too
much too soon:

Wanting to peg someone down too quickly to see whether they're
'committed' is like trying to insist cabin crew serve you their
delicious vacuum- packed fare during take off. Give it a chance!
Telling someone you love them on the first date, planning your
retirement together, or talking about 'us' and 'we' prematurely
applies too much pressure and saps the spontaneity and fun from the
early stages. Having to 'know how they feel' may be fair enough down
the line, but asking them too soon where they see this relationship
going can make them feel like they're being interrogated in a job
interview. What to do: Hold off for a while until you know each other
better. Everything that exists in our Universe, as far as I know, has
a time scale - including love.Don't be too quick to establish
yourselves as a longstanding couple when you've known each other just
a few weeks.

Mistake 5: Don't act
insecure:

I've written a whole piece on this, so I'll be brief. Give your new
dating partner some space. Even if you feel insecure, acting too
insecure too soon can switch off the relationship before it starts.
Resist the temptation to be constantly checking where they are and
what they are doing and/or thinking and feeling. If you really like
them, it's natural to be thinking about them a lot; but remember they
had their own life before you came along and they still have that
life. What to do: Acknowledge to yourself that it's natural to feel
worried that you might accidently 'break' something you feel is
precious, especially in the early 'fragile' stages; but remember that
a flower seed, once planted, needs to be left a bit rather than
constantly picked and scratched at.

Mistake 6: Ditch the
perfectionism:

Fairy tales in real life may not look like fairy tales as presented by
Mr Disney. Prince Charming may have a crooked nose, and your princess
may have pigeon toes. What am I wittering about? Being so fussy that
you miss genuine relationship opportunities. I talked above about
being too desperate, but it can work the other way. Expecting people
to be perfect, then getting mad when their behaviour doesn't exactly
accord with your imagination of how they should be is, frankly, nuts.
If people don't 'live up to' your self made image of them, is that
their fault? If you have too-tight parameters for how your love should
be before you meet him or her, then you may be positioning yourself
out of the market. Sure, there are things we all prefer, but some
people are so specific: "He must have green eyes (and two of them!)."
"He must wear designer jackets." "He must have a body of a Greek god,
the mind of Albert Schweitzer, and the car of a London financier." "He
must have a dollar- shaped beauty spot on his left
buttock." I kid you not; some people (usually younger people) cut off
their own options to this extent. They may defend this with: "Why
should I accept anything less?!" But this misses the point that, so
often, something can seem to have all the right 'parts', but when
those parts are put together, you find they don't really work as well
as expected. What to do: Open your mind to the possibility that you
could be mistaken in assuming you can only have a relationship with a
person who fits exactly what you have imagined. And remember that you
are having a relationship with a real-life person, not a phantasm of
your own making.

Mistake 7: Don't try to
change them:

There is an old Sufi tale (2) in which some villagers find an eagle, a
bird they had never seen before. Because it was unfamiliar, they
didn't feel it was like a 'real bird' at all. So they cut its beak,
trimmed back its feathers, and clipped off its talons, at last
deciding that now it looked like a 'proper bird'. Of course, it could
no longer fly. Treating your new partner like a project that you need
to work on, like something to 'improve', is disrespectful and can make
the person feel like you don't appreciate them for who they are or
even know them at all. Trying to get someone to wear more trendy
clothes, go for the jobs you recommend, act how you think they should,
begs the question: what did you see in this person to begin with? What
to do: Remember the story of the villagers and the eagle. Dating
someone new should be fun, exciting, and enjoyable. If you can monitor
and influence your own behaviour during this 'getting to know' phase,
then you have much more hope of getting to know whether you and they
really will work together without needing to blame anyone if it
doesn't work out. Knowing what may be wrong can help us all understand
more how to find what is right.
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