YOu May Have Seen A Recent EpisOde Of "GIRLS" On HBO, Or Perhaps Have
Witnessed An Example In yOur Own Life Or SOcial Circle, Where One
Member Of A COuple Is Far MOre Attractive Than The Other. DOn't Feel
Bad AbOut NOticing Such Discrepancies Because yOu're NOt AlOne. We
Tend To NOtice Appearance Discrepancies Because We Often Believe That
PeOple ShOuld ROmantically LINK Themselves To OtherS Of The Same Level
Of Attractiveness. Think AbOut yOur Own Life To Offer A Meaningful
COmparisOn. Overall, HOw Attractive Do yOu Believe yOu Are? Extremely
Attractive? Attractive? Average? Unattractive? In Terms Of The PeOple
yOu've Dated In The Past, HOw Attractive WOuld yOu Say They Are? Next,
Ask yOurself HOw yOu WOuld Feel AbOut Being With SOmeOne WhO Is A Few
NOtches AbOve yOu In The Appearance Department•
Let's Do A VisualizatiOn Exercise In Which I'm Setting yOu Up With
SOmeOne WhO Is Extremely Attractive. The Face And BOdy Are All MOdel-
WOrthy, And The COnfidence Is There, Too. yOu And Said Individual Go
FOr Dinner At A Trendy New Restaurant That Has ThrOngs Of PeOple
Waiting In The LObby. As yOu Walk TOward yOur Plush Red COrner Booth
In The Back, yOu NOtice That Several Diners Take NOte Of yOur GOrgeOus
Date And FOllOw yOur Date With Their Eyes All The Way To The Booth. As
yOu Watch Others Watch yOur Date, What's GOing ThrOugh yOur Head?
EveryOne Is GOing To Think SOmething In This SituatiOn. Perhaps yOu're
Feeling PrOud And COnfident That The Target Of AttentiOn Is On yOur
Arm, Telling yOurself That Others Must Think yOu're Pretty Cool, HOt
Or Rich To Get SOmeOne So Attractive. If That's NOt yOu, Perhaps
yOu're WOndering If Others Are Trying To Figure Out Why SOmeOne So
GOrgeOus WOuld Be With SOmeOne Like yOu. If yOu Have A JealOus Streak,
Perhaps It Occurs To yOu That COuntless Others Must Take NOte Of- Or
Even ApprOach And Hit On- yOur Date When He Or She Is NOt With yOu•
MOral Of The StOry: yOu ShOuld Only Date SOmeOne WhO Is Much MOre
Attractive Than yOu If yOu Have A Good, Healthy EgO - yOu Like
yOurself, Believe yOu're Attractive EnOugh, DOn't Place Much
ImpOrtance On Physical Appearance, DOn't Get ParanOid Or JealOus, And
Believe yOu Are A Great Package With Many POsitive Characteristics•
HOpefully yOu KnOw What yOur Insecurities And yOu've Reflected On HOw
They DevelOped. In AdditiOn, yOu've HOpefully Taken Steps To Keep yOur
Insecurities In Check And WOrk On ImprOving yOur Self-Esteem. Deep
DOwn, I Believe We All KnOw What We Are Capable Of Handling. When We
Take On SOmething- Or SOmeOne- That Exists Outside Our Usual COmfOrt
ZOne, Our Instincts Send Us A Message•
Typically, Anxiety DevelOps And A Wide Range Of SymptOms Can Appear:
yOu Start Eating MOre Or Less Than Usual; Start Drinking MOre Alcohol
Or SmOking MOre; Feel PreOccupied And WOrried; Have Difficulty
Sleeping; Or Feel The Need To COnstantly Talk To yOur Friends AbOut
The RelatiOnship In Order To Get SuppOrt. All Of These SymptOms Are
Extremely Unpleasant, But They Have An ImpOrtant FunctiOn: They Remind
yOu When Things Are Out Of Whack Or When yOu're In Over yOur Head•
FOr PeOple WhO DOn't Place A LOt Of ImpOrtance On Appearance And WhO
Have A Good Self-Esteem, They WOuld Have Little TROuble Dating SOmeOne
WhO Is Much MOre Attractive. Why? Because Physical Appearance Isn't
One Of The Characteristics They Value MOst In A PrOspective Partner.
As A Result, HOw Attractive Their Date Is - Whether Beautiful Or NOt -
Really Isn't That ImpOrtant To Them. FOr These Individuals, It's As If
The Beautiful PersOn They're Dating Just Happens To Be Very
Attractive, But They COuld Take Or Leave The Extreme Attractiveness•
On The Other Hand, Many Individuals Care A Great Deal AbOut Physical
Appearance. I Can't Tell yOu HOw Many Clients I've Had WhO, When Asked
Which Characteristics They're Looking FOr, Cite "Attractive" As The
Number One Characteristic. If yOur Own Appearance Is Extremely
ImpOrtant To yOu And yOu Care As Much Or MOre AbOut The Appearance Of
The PersOn yOu're Dating, Be Mindful Of yOur ThOughts And Feelings As
They Relate To yOur Date's Attractiveness. If yOu Tend To Be Insecure
AbOut yOur Own Attractiveness, Have A JealOus Streak, Or DOn't Feel
COnfident That yOu Are A Great Package With Many Strengths, Dating
SOmeOne WhO Is Much Attractive Is A Terrible Idea And Will Result In
Anxiety, Self-SabOtage, And gObs Of TensiOn In yOur RelatiOnship•
I Believe Life WOuld Be Easier And MOre HarmOnious If Looks Didn't
Matter So Much In Our Culture. The Lengths WOmen - And Increasingly
MOre Men, Too- Go To In Order To Be MOre Attractive Are AstOnishing:
Plastic Surgery, BOtox InjectiOns And Fillers, Cutting And Dying Hair,
Tanning, Applying Makeup, Applying Night Creams, Lifting Weights,
Trimming BOdy Hair, And SO On. NOt Only Is A LOt Of MOney Spent On
Such Activities, But Think Of The Time That Is AbsOrbed, As Well!
I've Heard The Argument That A LOt Of These Activities Make PeOple
Feel Better AbOut Themselves. My Two Cents: These Activities Do Make
yOu Feel Better - But FOr The MOment. If yOu Were To Ask The Average
PersOn WhO Invests A LOt In Their Appearance If They Believe They're
Really Attractive, Odds Are That yOu'd Get A RespOnse That Includes
All The ImperfectiOns They See. In Other WOrds, No One Is Ever
Attractive EnOugh. Attractiveness BecOmes A Surreal, POt-Of-GOld
Fantasy That We All Reach FOr But Can Never Truly Grasp. FOr This
ReasOn, I Believe It's ImpOrtant To Invest As Much Or MOre MOney,
Time, And Energy In Activities That Stimulate yOur Mhnd And Cultivate
Real Interests Or Skills•
The Next Time yOu Find yOurself Talking To A POtential Date, Make A
COnciOus EffOrt To Tell yOurself That Appearance Is Only Part Of The
Happiness EquatiOn In RelatiOnships•
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