now?" Have you heard these words before? Maybe you have even said
them. There are some behaviors we learn about our spouses after we say
the vows, and then there are other behaviors that can't be labeled as
surprises. If we are honest with ourselves, we knew our spouses'
issues and idiosyncrasies before we got married. So why do we trip
when they are just being themselves? Did we really think marriage was
going to change them instantly?
It's so important for anyone who plans to marry to understand that a
marriage certificate doesn't change a person. Whatever the nagging
behavior is, it will not disappear now that you are husband and wife.
If your spouse was like that before you said "I do," then he/she will
be like that when you return from the honeymoon.
Many couples get into tense arguments and long battles over behaviors
that were present in the dating stage.
Here are a few examples:
Your husband spends more time watching television than he does talking
with you. It seems like "Sports Center" is on the television when you
wake up in the morning and when you go to sleep at night. While
dating, you knew he was a sports fan, and you even spent hundreds of
dollars Or Naira on tickets and sports memorabilia for his birthday.
You beamed with pride when your man opened his gift! But now that you
are married, you expect him to redirect his passion for sports into a
passion for talking to you. Or maybe your husband refuses to help with
the housework. All you can get him to do is take out the trash and mow
the lawn. But why should he do more when you,his former girlfriend,
cleaned his apartment and even washed his clothes. Back then you were
trying to prove you were "wife material," but now that you are a wife,
you feel there's nothing left to prove. You got the man; now the man
needs to get to work around the house.
Husbands, your wife rarely cooks,and you are craving some soul food
right about now. While dating you frequented trendy restaurants and
only ate home cooked meals on holidays. Now you are left preparing
dinner yourself or eating curbside to-go.It was cool to wine and dine
your girl then, but now that you are married, you want to hear some
pots banging in the kitchen. Or maybe your wife is a career woman. She
is driven to succeed and earn her own money. While dating, you liked
her ambition and the fact that she wasn't a so called "gold digger."
That was appealing to you then, but now that you are married, you
would prefer she climb down from the career ladder and look to you as
the main provider.
All of these scenarios can be worked out with communication, honesty,
and compromise. And I do believe both spouses must change some of
their behaviors inorder to truly become "one" in marriage. But it
takes time. The reality is, too, some behaviors may never change. Your
husband may never put his clothes in the laundry and his shoes in the
closet. Your wife may never fall inlove with cooking. When this
happens, you have to ask yourself, does it really matter in the big
picture?
What are the qualities I fell in love with before we married, and how
can I magnify those more than the others? After all, I knew this about
my spouse before we married, so why am I trippin'?
Now, I know some of you are wondering about more serious behaviors
that affect a marriage,such as cheating, abuse, addiction, lying, etc.
I'm not suggesting you laugh these off. Serious, life threatening
behaviors require professional help. Get the help you need. But when
it comes to not so serious matters, some things we have to either live
with or develop a process to bring about change. Whatever the case, we
might as well stop trippin' and start focusing on what we love about
each other.
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